Retirement plan to put the economy right

A humorous note to Prime Minister David Cameron:

Dear Mr Cameron, please find below our suggestion for fixing the economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan.

There are about 100,000 people over 50 in the workforce. Pay them £100,000 each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They must retire. 100,000 job openings - unemployment fixed.

2) They must buy a new British car? 100,000 cars ordered – car industry fixed.

3) They must either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – housing crisis fixed.

4) They must send their children to school/college/university – crime rate fixed.

5) They must buy £100 worth of alcohol/tobacco a week – and there’s your money back in duty/tax etc.

It can’t get any easier than that!


Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc., and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJs and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each pensioner could have a PC, TV, radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £400 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Cows: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic the government could track a single cow, born in Northumberland almost three years ago, right to the paddock where she slept in? And they even tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around the country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Hugh Lovatt