Gagging for a joke at Christmas

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Last year I bought a huge turkey for Christmas – it was late on Christmas Eve and the only one left.

It weighed just under 20lb. I told my friends and one said it must have cost me a fortune. I smiled and said: “No. Actually, I got it for a poultry amount.”

Another year turkeys were £2 a lb. I asked the butcher if he raised them himself. He told me he did, because earlier that day they had only been £1.50.

Boom! Boom! and Yo! Ho! Ho! and all that. It’s panto time (I have to say it... “oh yes it is”), it’s time for the crackers, it’s time for the parties and it’s times for the corny of corniest jokes.

A few sips of bubbly and a paper hat – and everybody’s a comic. And there’s nothing wrong with that. If you can’t laugh, at least smile, that’s what I say.

Christmas is the countdown to the end of a year. A year that will have been different for different people – happiness, joy, sadness, disappointment, anger, delight. Perhaps a bit of them all rolled in. So, if you can – and I extoll you to – enjoy as much as you can. Reflect on what has been and look forward to what you hope and expect will come, with the dawning of a new year.

And have a laugh. Here’s a selection from my favourite corniest of the corniest:

From the panto

Why was Cinderella such a poor football player? – She had a pumpkin for coach.

Who’s the little girl in a red cloak shouting “knickers” at the Big Bad Wolf? – Little Rude Riding Hood.

In Treasure Island, who has a parrot that shouts “Pieces of Four, Pieces of Four”? – Short John Silver.

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs? – “Some day my prints will come”.

From the crackers

When Father Christmas lost his umbrella, why didn’t he get wet? – Because it wasn’t raining.

How do monkeys make toast? – They put some bread under a gorilla.

What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus? – Billy the Squid.

What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire? – A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps.

What’s the best way to catch a rabbit? – Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot.

At the dinner table

What do Eskimos sing when they get their Christmas dinner? – “Whalemeat again, don’t know where, don’t know when...”

What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations? – You get tinsel-itus.

What do ducks do before they have their Christmas dinner? – They pull their quackers.

Last year’s Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the sea. – That’s probably why the ocean’s full of currants.

Elfing around

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elfs get? – Mistle-toe.

When Santa’s riding in his sleigh, how to the elfs get around? – In a mini van.

What’s another name for Santa’s little helpers? – Subordinate clauses.

There are 11 elfs who are joined by another elf. How many are there? – Twelf.

Boom! Boom! Boom! Ho! Ho! Ho! Have a great Christmas – and try to keep on smiling.